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folks, this is what happens when you decide “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” in regards to keeping your damn software up-to-date.  when it does finally break, nearly a decade and a half later, no one can fix it.  why?  because you have a vendor app that was written with Borland C++ 4.5, and i can’t get my hands on that to create a debug version of the exe, that’s why.  and XP doesn’t want to let a 16-bit windows debugger run (there is probably a workaround for that, but dear fucking god!  you’re still using a 16-bit system!). 

honestly, we even keep the damn cobol on the back end at the current version, and that language used to use punch cards.  not to mention that it pre-dates, well, me.  but no.  i’m stuck supporting your shitty little system and learning all about obsolete versions of languages, since you never saw fit to upgrade from FoxPro 2.6a and your app apparently uses Clipper to read dBase III tables.  it’s not even comprable to learning latin; i’m learning etruscian instead.

i’d smack whomever is responsible for this system never being upgraded or having the business moved to a different system.  but i don’t know who they are and i suspect they are in iowa.

why does your current advertising campaign hate the english language?  “Let’s Holiday the Season”?!?!?!  does your ad company not actually know the difference between nouns and verbs?  what dim fuckwit signed off on this crap?

unless you are specifically targeting the semi-literate to unliterate demographic, i’m going to assume this will be corrected.  once you realize what a horrible, horrible crime against language you’ve committed.

shit, that’s never going to happen, is it?  fuck you, i’m going to the home depot then.

with apologies to those pennsylvannians that i know, like and respect; you are, as a whole, the worst fucking drivers i have ever encountered.  yeah, yeah, stereotyping is bad, whatever.  the point is that, since i witnessed about 25 of you handle traffic on an exit ramp into philly by putting you cars in reverse and then backing up on to the interstate, nothing anyone with a PA plate has done has restored my faith in your ability, as a group, to be remotely compentent behind the wheel.  in fact, i cringe whenever i see a car with PA plates.

the woman who was behind me on the way into work yesterday did nothing to improve my opinion of you.  in fact, she made it worse.

now, i know there are regional differences between the states.  however, here in connecticut, we do not believe we, or others, have the ability to pass our vehicles through solid matter.  such as the large, wide, slow truck that was in front of me.  i’m going to guess that you cannot drive through trucks in PA either, but that is, of course, an assumption.  regardless, i cannot.  honking, repeatedly, at me will not change the laws of physics, nor the fabric of universe.

also, when you pull up beside me by driving in the shoulder and find yourself still unable to pass the very large, wide and slow truck in front of me, please do not hold up two fingers to indicate there are two lanes.  when there clearly are not.  you see over on the other side of the road, heading into the city?  yes, those dashed white lines in the middle of the road?  that direction has two lanes.  notice the lack of them over here, on the outbound side.  yes, i know there is room enough for two cars to drive next to each other.  see those parked cars, up ahead, that you will hit if you don’t brake and get the fuck back behind me?  yes, that’s why the road is as wide as it is.  to allow parking.  not driving.  fuckwit.

now, i’m sure not everyone from your state drives like a lobotimized lamprey eel.  but you hide them well.  please, for the love of god, learn how to fucking drive.  thanks.Â

my penchant for reading newsweek on the can inspires a political rant.  read it at quiblit.com.

dear fucking god are people stupid.  well, we released version 2.0 of our app just before the holidays, and finally sunset the old, creaky, obsolete and occasionally just incorrect DOS apps it built to replace.  guess what?  in the year that version 1.0 was in production, it turns out approximately three people were actually using it.  so, with this release, we’ve got all the problems of the initial roll-out.  meaning, no one knows how to use it, there is no training and none of the users can figure it out.  because they are, by and large, stupid.  did i mention that?  the calls to the help desk are starting to wind down, but i still have to call these assholes.  and i hate it.  hate it.  hate it.  there is a reason i am a programmer and it’s not a love of technology.  no, instead, it’s because i don’t have to deal with people.  now, they are forcing me to do it.  fucking bastards.  they didn’t give me a large enough raise for this sort of crap.

well folks, the winter trade meetings are set to begin soon for baseball, and for those of you who haven’t been following the hot stove news, johan santana might be available.  as a result, perhaps in sorrow and lamentation, it seems someone has dumped a shitload of acid into the water supply for the twin cities.  why, you may wonder, would i think that?  because the good folks at firejoemorgan kindly directed me to this bit of sheer lunacy.

now, if you don’t know much about baseball, i’ll tell you why this is such a horribly, horribly, horribly bad trade.  here’s the proposed trade:

twins give:

• johan santana (very good lefty, free agent in 2008)
• joe nathan (good closer, but 33, free agent in 2008)
• carlos silva (um, filed for free agency already, so they can’t actually trade him)

sox give:

• jacoby ellsbury (potentially great center fielder)
• dustin pedroia (AL rookie of the year)
• jon lester (good 4/5 slot lefty)
• jonathan papelbon (great closer, better than nathan, also only 27)
• clay bucholz (pitched a no-hitter in his second MLB game, could be fantastic)

 so, for one year of santana, one year of nathan and no years of silva, the sox should, uh, trade 5 of their best young players, all of whom have had success in the majors?  and the writer of this article wonders why the twins GM hasn’t gotten this deal done?  um, cause it has as much chance of happening as i have of flying to the moon by flapping my arms rapidly?  perhaps that might be why.  what’s sad is that, despite this being on the “drunken call in to sports radio” level of trade ideas, this man was paid to produce this.  god help us all.

for insanity.  apparently, the firm that recruits australian santa clauses has recommened their santas to say “ha, ha, ha”, instead of “ho, ho, ho”.  why, you may ask?  because, it seems “ho, ho, ho” may be offensive to women.  i’ll give you a moment to compose yourself after the fit of laughter that’s just wracked you.

the reasoning is fairly typical of these sorts of things:  “ho” is an american (though not australian, and remember, we are talking about events in sydney) slang term for whore.  since we all know that context has absolutely no bearing, whatsoever, upon the meaning of a word.  particularly homonyms.  for instance, if one walks into a hardware store and asks to buy a hoe, it is absurdly obvious they are looking for a prostitute.  it is obvious, then, that allowing santas to loudly proclaim that all women walking past are whores is unexceptable.

or it could just, maybe, possibly, be yet another example of ridculously sensitive overreaction.  what worries me though, is all too often crap like this occurs because someone made a complaint.  i can only imagine so woman tracking down the mall santa’s boss:

woman: “sir, i’d like to make a complaint about santa.”
boss santa: “yes, what happened?”
woman: “well, i was walking through the mall, minding my own business, when i heard someone call me a ho! i looked, and it was santa! i was going to ignore it, but then he called me a ho again! and then, wouldn’t you know, the fat bastard called me a ho a third time! i want him fired.”
boss santa: [blinks, incredulously]
woman: “or i’ll sue.”
boss santa: “er, yes, we’ll take care of that. have a merry christmas…ho, ho, ho!”
woman: “you fucking bastard, i’m not a ho!”

yes, it’s a scary world we live in folks. just remember, when you gather round the tofurkey next thursday, that the pilgrims were genocidal cultists! in fact, remind your family of that just before tucking into eat. it’ll put everyone in the true holiday spirit.

fuck you.  seriously.  i haven’t decided if you’re assholes or just idiots.  likely both.

so, i’m perusing your page on the ALDS match-up between the sox and angels.  there, under “Angels’ Local Headlines”, is this gem, that begs to followed: “No coming-out parties for Lackey“.  who can resist that?  naturally, i clicked the link…and got directed to the “sign up for espn insider” page.  are you fucking kidding me?  you dimwits are routing outside content links thru your subscription site?  there is a reason i don’t subscribe to espn insider.  namely, i don’t want to.  it’s a damn good reason too.  stupid crap like only allowing your paying readers to follow links to other sites, even if it’s a mistake, only reinforce my opinion that give you jackasses money would be a waste.  even though i’d get to read gammon’s column.

the chungs, though recent immigrants from korea, may be unique amongst americans. why? because common sense reigned in the end when they got sued. seriously, did this man think he could get $54 million because the dry cleaners lost his pants? i mean, i suppose the odds are better than, say, powerball. but not much. at least they shouldn’t be. this bit is particularly pleasing:

In a 23-page finding of fact, Bartnoff wrote: “A reasonable consumer would not interpret ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer’s unreasonable demands or accede to demands that the merchant has reasonable grounds to dispute.”

it’s nice to know there is still some small measure of justice in the world.

remember that bullshit line from clinton? sure you didn’t inhale bill, we believe you.

well, sad to say, bill’s line is far more believable than this bullshit: Evangelical leader says he bought meth but ‘never used it’. this is laughably stupid. it’s one thing to claim that you just pretended to inhale when someone passed you a joint at a party, to look “cool”. we know it’s bullshit, but there is at least a scant bit of plausibility to the lie.

this, however…i mean, come the fuck on. who buys drugs and then throws them away? was he just curious as to what meth looked like? got enough of a high from the illicit thrill of buying meth? was going to smoke it (crap, do you smoke meth? i stay away from this sort of thing) but then had a change of heart? bought it for a friend?

really. i mean, when you get caught, fess up. people will forgive fucking up; they are less inclined to forgive blatant lies about fucking up.